How to Set New Years Resolutions That Don’t Make You Miserable

Let’s lighten the load in 2025

Every holiday season, it’s the same question from the same family member:
“So, what are your New Year’s Resolutions?” 

It’s uncomfortable, not only because it’s a deeply personal question but also because I’ve had a love-hate relationship with New Years Resolutions. 

I’ve always been driven and love the idea of self-improvement—I believe my business would only be as good as I am, for example—but resolutions often felt like a perfectionist’s obsession clothed as a fresh start.

In our businesses, it makes sense to make hard commitments to quarterly goals and keep everyone accountable to them. But, in our personal lives, the heaviness that comes with New Years Resolutions is often counterproductive. And every gym owner knows how often our goals are abandoned.

Resolutions sound great in theory: you “resolve” to change, starting January 1, and voilà—new you. But what happens when life gets in the way? Missing a gym session or slipping into old habits feels like failure, which snowballs into giving up entirely.

That’s the hidden danger of resolutions: they set you up to fail by tying success to perfection. And that can harm your personal integrity, which is your greatest asset! If you promise yourself something and break that promise, it chips away at self-trust.

I believe I’ve found a better way to make life changes.

I know from reading Dan Pink’s book, When, that starting goals at the beginning of a new year, week, or month can be powerful. But, it needs to be done differently.

Here’s what I’ve learned: you only do what you want to do. The secret to lasting change isn’t willpower; it’s creating goals that feel fulfilling, enjoyable, and grounded in curiosity—not guilt.

If going to the gym feels like a chore, you won’t do it for long. The people who consistently exercise love the feeling of accomplishment or energy or muscle burn or whatever turns their crank.

The same goes for everything. If you get more of an endorphin rush from buying yourself a new pair of shoes than seeing a growing bank account, your Resolution to spend less than you earn will fizzle. 

My method: New Years Aspirations

My approach has evolved over the years to be a more light, playful, curious, self-reflective take on goal-setting. Here are some principles for what I’m calling New Years Aspirations:

1.Self-Awareness: Know what you truly want 

Are your Aspirations coming from what you truly want or from who you think you “should” be? You do everything for a reason. Even bad habits are there because of fear or comfort. 

I’ve found a powerful combination of curiosity, meditation, therapy, and journaling to uncover the underlying needs and desires behind my actions. Tools like Tara Brach’s RAIN method can help you pause and reflect. 

2. Non-Striving: Let change feel easy

If you cling to a need to make a Resolution happen, it’ll slip through your fingers like sand. A precondition for lasting change is making it easeful, not anxious. 

The concept of Non-striving seems counterintuitive to some. How can I accomplish something if I’m not striving for it? But it’s true. Trying to force change with willpower doesn’t last long. 

The alternative is wu wei or effortless action, is like a sailboat rather than a rowboat. As Bruce Lee said, “In order to control myself I must first accept myself by going with and not against my nature.” 

3. Realism: Start small to make big change

You are not going to leap from couch potato to 5 days/week at the gym. Dramatic change can happen after a personal crisis or revelation, but that kind of change is rare and can’t be forced. Making incremental progress over the long term can even create greater change through the power of compounding. 

Start where you are, realizing that you’ve created your habits through years of reinforcement and that change will also take time and practice. 

4. Attractiveness: Make it positive

Research shows that positive, “approach-oriented” change is more sticky than avoidance-oriented goals. Think “enjoy evenings with my favourite kombucha and productive mornings” rather than “stop drinking wine every night.” Try making it fun and playful rather than a punishment.

5. Tangibility: Be specific 

The clearer the goal, the better. Swap vague intentions for vivid details your brain can latch onto. Rather than “stop criticizing my partner”, try “become a more consistently loving partner by identifying and releasing the fears that cause critical thinking.”

6. Envisioning: See and feel it daily 

You need to see yourself as the kind of person who does the thing you want. As I learned in Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, the brain cannot distinguish between real experiences and vividly imagined ones. He recommends spending 30 minutes each day visualizing yourself living as if you’ve accomplished your goal. There’s nothing magical about this. It just takes practice. 

7. Acceptance and Gratitude: Progress over perfection 

With a New Years Aspiration, you don't have to feel badly if you aren’t perfect. At any point in the year, you can assess your progress and roadblocks to learn about yourself. You’ll probably notice you've gotten closer than if you hadn't set the Aspiration at all and you can celebrate that progress. 

One of the best insights I have learned through meditation is that I can always start again. There is always a next breath that I can reset with and notice for the first time. 

The main takeaway: don’t force anything. 

New Year’s Aspirations have transformed how I approach goal setting. They’re lighter, kinder, and more aligned with who I am—not who I think I “should” be.

And if it all feels overwhelming, remember Alan Watts’s timeless wisdom: you can’t force change. Relax, let it flow, and trust the process.

Or, maybe this year is a good time to create a total reset by not setting any Resolutions, Aspirations, or Goals? Sometimes, we all need a break.

In a future post, I’ll share details of my personal annual plan and how I set goals for each area of life.

What’s your perspective?

Maybe this approach works for me because I’m self-critical, but everyone is different. What works for you? Are you better off setting goals, intentions, action plans each year—or maybe you’re drawn to New Years Resolutions?