How Delayed Gratification Failed Me
Finding Balance as an Entrepreneur
One birthday, I came into the office early, and my wonderful right-hand, Victoria, was already there. She had organized a big celebration for me, filling my office with balloons up to my waist.
I walked right into my office, ignoring the decorations, turned on my laptop, and began working.
Yes, I didn’t notice the birthday decorations around me.
Truthfully, I was so focused on my mission that I didn’t even notice my surroundings. The balloons were just something to navigate around. In my mind, they literally didn’t exist; I had programmed myself to ignore every obstacle on my path (including the fun ones).
I was driven and determined that this fragile business wasn’t going to fail. I alone was responsible for the business's survival and felt the weight of it every day. And that determination was an important factor in our survival and eventual breakout success.
Some may say that’s an impressive amount of focus. But it wasn’t healthy.
I was out of balance. I was out of shape, traveling too much, drinking too much to numb the stress, and I didn’t make time to celebrate our wins. I didn’t allow myself the luxury of taking breaks for fun because I felt like it would distract from my mission.
I remember on several occasions, after a big win, the team wanted to celebrate, but I insisted on moving straight to the next priority. That mindset robbed us of the joy of our accomplishments, and it took a toll on my well-being. My mental health was suffering and I’d lost awareness of what I could even enjoy if I wanted to.
To be fair to myself, I wasn’t neglecting my family and friends. I loved my kids deeply and was determined to be the best dad that I knew how to be. For example, I had made a commitment when I launched the company that I would always be home for dinner to spend time with them, and I never missed that when I was in town. I left the office before 6pm every day.
I took every opportunity while at home to get down on the floor and play with them.
The daily pony party at home
I can’t count how many My Little Pony conversations I had with Pinkie Pie. I knew my kids wouldn’t be that age for long and I didn’t want to miss the time with them. I’m so grateful I had the presence of mind to make that decision.
What I’m saying is that my lack of balance meant I neglected myself, which is bad enough.
I’m grateful for my friends and colleagues who cared enough about me to challenge me on my lack of balance in ways I could hear.
I was a member of Entrepreneurs' Organization (EO), and my monthly mastermind forum group was a lifeline of positive support and input for me. They shared their insights from their similar experiences and encouraged me to lighten the load I was carrying. Ultimately, I had to come to a point where I was ready to shift my perspective and create some different habits.
(Note: In a future article, I’ll get into more detail on my experience with mastermind forums.)
The poisonous belief: Delayed Gratification
The shift for me happened when I realized my lifelong commitment to Delayed Gratification wasn’t working for me. I wasn’t enjoying life and needed to start experiencing joy today.
Delayed Gratification is a belief that caused me to make sacrifices today so that I’d have more security, freedom, and fun tomorrow. But, there’s a perverse distortion in this belief because tomorrow doesn’t exist. It’s an imaginary time. We only have now and, if I’m not enjoying now, how would I enjoy the “now” that I’ll be in at some future time?
Once I let go of my obsession with Delayed Gratification, I could give myself permission to be kind to myself and allow joy in my life.
One day, Victoria invited me to join her for lunchtime yoga at a new studio that had opened up below our office. I resisted at first, thinking I couldn't afford to take an hour away from my desk, especially with a never ending task list. It was difficult for me to justify the indulgence, but she can be persistent, so I went along. I felt refreshed and energized that afternoon, with new ideas zinging around my mind.
That day was eye-opening; I realized how far out of balance and disconnected from myself I’d become. The business hadn’t suffered in my absence, and I was a better leader because of it.
That experience sparked my next few years of yoga practice and exercise. I started adding regular yoga sessions into my weekly schedule, which I continued to gain energy and focus from. I found myself more productive during work hours and more relaxed in my personal time.
I eventually came to realize how much my self-sacrifice had dulled my senses and harmed my performance at work. Regular yoga, exercise, and meditation became non-negotiables to bring more balance, create self-awareness, and build resilience. (Note: I’ll also write more on specific practices and benefits in the future)
I often wonder how much better and faster our company could have developed if I hadn’t wasted so many years living without balance and depleting my reserves. Some might say that self-neglect is the price you pay to build something great, but I disagree.
My subsequent mindfulness practice has taught me, over and over again, the Zen truth of balance. Every yin has a yang. Every positive trait taken too far becomes a negative. Every strength has a dark side.
The pessimist can easily become a dark cloud, riddled with anxiety. The optimist without guardrails becomes an insufferable Pollyanna in denial.
Even drinking too much water can be fatal. I could go on and on… Everything needs balance.
If I had put into practice what I had read years before in Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, I would have spent more time on his 7th Habit: Sharpening the Saw.
Living in Balance
Before Stephen Covey, Abraham Lincoln was credited with saying,
“Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.”
Spending time practicing yoga, meditating, or celebrating a birthday might seem like wasted time when you’re on a mission. But if it makes you sharper, every subsequent moment will be more effective.
Think of the time spent on self-renewal as investments that multiply your effectiveness.
Everyone’s renewal can look different. I’ve found a rhythm of habits that have paid back in increased energy, positive mood, creativity, and happiness, all of which have (to my surprise at the time) increased my effectiveness too.
Here are some that I (mostly) continue to practice, which you might find useful too:
Annual Solo Reflection Retreat
In 2014, I took my first annual 3-day solo retreat to a beautiful nearby cabin. The days included structured personal reflection activities as well as outdoor forest walks and massage. I planned 5 solo workshop exercises to review the previous year and create a plan for the year ahead.
Here are the questions that guided my five personal retreat planning sessions:
Exercise 1: Who have I been?
Review previous 12 months.
Review most important relationships.
Review learning calendar for the year.
Exercise 2: What have I learned?
What are the most important insights from the year?
Mistakes, failures, successes, achievements, gratefulness
Exercise 3: Who am I now?
Personal TOWS: Threats, Opportunities, Weaknesses, Strengths.
Exercise 4: Who do I want to become?
Refresh long term vision, mission, values.
Exercise 5: What can I do now to get there?
Personal plan for the year: update year goals.
Template Download:
I still use some variation of that original agenda for my retreats today, which you can download here:
This has turned into an annual week away, often in combination with a yoga or meditation retreat, where I come back revitalized and focused on the year ahead.
Here’s a link to the Entrepreneur’s Annual Retreat page for more resources.
Quarterly Friends or Couples Getaways
Regular getaways with loved ones are important for maintaining and deepening nourishing relationships. This includes retreats with my entrepreneurs forum, festivals such as Summit, and exploration travel with my partner.
Monthly Practices
Entrepreneurs forum meetings - I’ve prioritized a half-day monthly meeting plus dinner, with a small group of 7-9 entrepreneurs since 2010. This is my non-negotiable time with my inner circle of trusted confidants in business and life.
Friends gatherings - I make a habit of planning events with friends and family. I’ve found that, if I don’t initiate, time can fly past without the meaningful connections that make life worth living.
Family celebrations.
Therapy.
Weekly Practices
I block off a weekly schedule of personal time with the activities that bring me joy and relaxation.
Weightlifting - I’ve come to love lifting weights and find it to be the most energizing and rewarding physical activity in my week.
Reading - I still consume 30-60 books per year. You’ll always find me listening to a new Audible book while at the gym, or a Kindle read while at the beach.
Hike or bike ride in nature - Regular contact with the forest is so important to my happiness. This may be a simple hike or a more structured “forest bathing” meditation.
Relationship check-in - Sunday mornings include a structured check-in with my partner to make sure our relationship is growing in the right direction.
Kids dinners.
Art classes - I find artistic expression through oil painting, cooking and, recently, ceramic pottery. I notice that it exercises a different part of my brain and wakes up new ideas.
Gratefulness exercises - This year, I’m doing a “What’s good this week” jar, which I’ll open up on New Years Day to enjoy the reminders of what I’m grateful for.
My gratefulness jar
Daily Practices
Meditation - My daily morning vipassana meditation has been important to me for many years now.
Outdoor walk or exercise - Some type of daily physical activity, usually involving a dog walk.
I consider these to be the core practices that create joy and fulfillment for me, and refill my energy reserves. I’ve demonstrated for myself over and over again that if I keep up with these practices, my life is better all around.
What’s your Perspective?
What does sharpening the axe look like for you?
How do you maintain balance in your life?
What charges your energy?
Where can you make improvements?
What might I have missed?
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